Since this a a journal as well as news I feel like I have to put in this entry.
I watched a movie tonight about a young girl who had been abused by her father. I have been through the counselling and I know in my head that the blame is not on the child. But she asked the same questions I asked, why didn't I say something, why didn't mom know something. Why me?? He told me that he didn't really hurt me, but he not only hurt me but my whole family. I couldn't cope, I went into a deep dark place that I couldn't get out of . It ruined my marriage, hurt my children, I tell myself IF ONLY so many times and also WHY, why couldn't I be born in a good LDS family I love the church and life in the church I wanted so badly to have a mormon family when I was growing up with FHE and the Priesthood and dads who loved their kids and moms who were there for you. What did I do that was so bad that I had to be born into that. I try to remember only the good from when I was little but sometimes its just dark and the bad comes back to haunt you. The drinking, and fighting, the beatings and abuse, you were never allowed to say anything mom would just say it was no ones business and to just keep quiet, I wish so much that I hadn't listened to her. I don't blame her, thats the way she was raised and was all she knew.
I couldn't find all the answers I need with my counsellor or on my own so now I'm looking where I probably should have looked in the first place, in the Gospel, not necessarily the Church, because the church is people, but the Gospel is the love of Christ so I'm searching for answers there.